1. Things are not progressing quickly at all.
2. Our weekly meeting has become more difficult in the face of school year routine.
3. Weight loss is imperceptible.
4. I am overwhelmed by the decisions that I need to make to change my life. I know that I am not happy. That I am lonely. That here is not my place. That here is not my clan. That here is not my home. But I am overwhelmed to the point of paralyzation most days.
5. Winter is coming, fast.

1. I am exercising almost every day.
2. I have started using Flylady and RTM to help with organization and remembering tasks.
3. I have organized the girls' routines to help make morning and bedtime better.
4. I have been better about reading and posting to the blog.
5. I am now and admin on one of my favorite blogs. The original admins were going to shut it down but one woman volunteer to take it over and now there are 8 of us working to improve it and keep it alive.

• Had weekly moving meeting on Wednesday and some tiny movement is on the radar for this week. Pick and buy the color for the basement floor and try to find out if there is a Chronicle of Higher Education type publication to look for teaching positions for me.  Freddy's list is longer but he is more well versed in where to find information on immigration.


• Trying to get a routine together which allows for getting shit done and socializing. I am anticipating winter and the crap that comes with it for me and want to make sure that I am prepared.


• I am trying to implement a new rule about taking on tasks.  "I forgot my calender." It is not a no which is difficult for me but it is not a yes either.


• Finally I am thinking about personal practice and how to start making more time for finding the moments of magical wonder. They are so easy for me to find with others I practice with and so hard for me to find alone. I miss my altar and prayer corner so that is next weeks goal.

Apparently I share my body with a four-year-old. Yesterday I started my FIA50 (Fuck I'm Almost 50). Step one get my eating back on track. I have been paying for weight watchers for months now and eating in the most anti-WW way possible, so this seemed a reasonable place to start.
Eating on WW is great because there are few restrictions and plenty of points to allow treats. What it does not allow for is eating fast food all the time and binging on candy and Little Debbie's, DAILY.
Yesterday I ate plenty of food, more than enough to not be hungry. But the internal dialogue was interesting.

INNER 4 YEAR OLD: I want candy.
ME: No candy today. We can have fruit.
I4YO: NO I WANT CANDY!
ME: No candy is a treat and we can have treats just not every day.
I4YO: pouts

Repeat about 100 times.

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So I admit I'm not going to be 50 for five years but I am closer than I have ever been before. And the frustrating thing is I feel like I am farther away from my life goals than ever before.
I am fatter than I have been in 4 years. After Freddy's paperwork got returned I went into a major tailspin. And for me that means food, lots of it and none of it good. It has become an issue of health now. I never realized how much difference even the little I had lost made. But I have thrown my back out twice in the last month, my edema is back and my sleep and mood are leaning toward winter form.
Freddy's paperwork was, while not rejected, returned to the pool and very unlikely to get picked given the stupid bureaucratic rules which make his Master's worthless. Yes, we were put back in the pool because he has a Master's not a Bachelor's. This all happened in Spring. We have made no progress since then. So while this move may be Freddy's choice it will now be under my control. I need to know that there is an end in sight. I need to get the hell out. So Operation Exodus is beginning.
So expect bitching to commence. This will be a log of the journey. I don't expect it to be fun but fuck I am almost 50.

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Today is a struggle. I am not sure why. Some days it just is.